Something strange….

I am wondering about this since a while: I seem to have spells of depression and more biting in April/May, August and October. I understand August as my mother passed away in August and even though it is 30 years next year I still miss her and feel the trauma of having lost her. I can live with it but it still hurts at times. I guess that is how it is no matter when you lose your mother.

But I do not understand the other months. There is nothing really that I connect with them. Well, my therapist says that we get triggered by many things that we are not really aware of. I guess I just have to live with it and get prepared.

What’s up????

Summer is around. That is how it feels like even though it is much too early. I do not really like this but enjoy the sun and feel good. Have been thinking about myself and how much I have changed.
Maybe not so much to the outward world but this being present in my body and feeling good with it that is amazing. I know that I will be triggered again. That is something that I have to learn to live and deal with. There is no way around this. But this life is worth it!

 

It is quiet inside of me…

…. I can feel happiness and follow goals. I can read and write and do what I enjoy. The longer I heal the more I appreciate these times. It is not that my life is that horrible. It is just those triggering, depressed, chaotic times that torment me. Would like to let go of all that pain, all that anger, all that frustration. But it keeps coming back to me.

 

The good life is possible

The pressure is gone. Maybe gone for now until the next struggle starts but for now I am at peace.
What we so easily forget when we struggle with trauma is the fact that the good life is possible for us. There are these moments of total peace. There are those moments when change has taken place and we struggle less with triggers, flashbacks and fears. There are these moments when we find and found something to change the bad into something good. There are these moments and we should hold them up like a shield against the dark moments that are part of our lives. But only one part there is that other good one as well!!!!!

 

Triggers as warnings????

At last I got out of my job and my mind is a bit more calm now. Can see things from a distance and I realised how much I have been reacting out of order. Meaning out of my order. No matter how bad my depression ever was I have never reacted in an aggressive way towards superiors and I could always have kept work and private life apart. Not that that is really possible in our situation but I never got into trouble.
But the situation at work is a strange one. Responsibilities are not clear any more. What is exprected from us is not clear any more and too much is expected from us. Things that can not work out at all.
I can not see trough it all and I wonder if my triggered situation for months have been a sign for that not the other way round.