I do things I have never done before

I just walked out at work when it got too much. Would never ever have been courageous enough to do that before. And I did not even feel bad about it. I get more and more upset about things that are not good for me and as much as I just oversaw it before or just tried to cope with it with my logic the more I see them now and I really overreact. My Emotions and my logic seem to be totally out of balance. But maybe I just start to react normally? Who knows? But I am not comfortable with it and seem to lose sense. Or more all this does not make sense to me.
I can remember there was a chapter in “The courage to heal” about being very emotional when you start to let your defences down and all those emotions long hidden or buried start to come out. I am at this point obviously but how can  I deal with it?
They also said that there might be a point when everything seems to break down. You lose your job or search for a new one, you lose friends and family because you act strange and you lose behaviours as well because you do not put up with the negative patterns in your life any more. It is a stage of chaos and it feels horrible but it is a sign of great healing. Well why does it have to be so hard???????

 

Doing something a part of the healing process

The more I am writing here the more it becomes clear to me how much “doing something” is important to the healing process. Or maybe that is wrong worded. What an important stage “doing something” is in the healing process.

I first read about the fact that changing the negative things we had to experience into something good eg writing poetry, music, novels about it, write a blog, help a friend or start a self-help group in the book “The courage to heal” by Laura Davis an Ellen Bass. Then nearly 20 years ago I thought I would never be able to but it felt a desirable goal. It just felt being able to do that would show that I am healed.

I write this blog since autumn 2009 and I also promote other blogs or tweets to educate about the topic but also to show how much help is out there and I realised lately that I am where I wanted to be then. Though I still bite my skin of my fingers till it bleeds as well as the inside of my mouth, though I still have trouble to say no, get a panic attack now and then, have periods of depression on a regular basis and as soon as there is abuse mentioned in news or a film I get extremely agitated I have learned to deal with these parts of my life. It doesn’t look to me like that when I am in any of these episodes but when I have calmed down I know how much I have achieved.

It feels extremely satisfying to be able to transform what has tortured me for so long into something beautiful like poems or expressive like the blog. It makes me happy and that is what we deserve. To be happy.

I wouldn’t say though that it works the other way round. “Do something” to heal. I think we need to be ready and the right art or group comes along and we can get active. Starting before we are ready might just be another experience of being powerless and helpless which would be a hard blow to the healing process.

But there is always the dream ….. (fill in your own goal, dream, idea) that keeps us motivated to go on and put up with what awaits us on the path.

In this sense: Please don’t stop dreaming!!!!!

anger/rage

I am at the chapter that talks about anger/rage. The authors say that it is a powerful feeling that makes you start doing something and changing things as far as possible.
I ‘ve always been afraid of my anger but with future hubby I started to connect with this feeling. It is not that I deal with it in a good way yet. It is new and I have to learn.
But I would love to be angry in a healthy way and change things.

Still am working on that memory. It is horrifiyng but also empowering. Still in contact with my inner children. I try to listen to them as much as possible even though it is really hard.

Last week was busy. Major promotion again and I worked 8 days in a row to make things work. I wanted to keep those hours for january but realised that my energies really left me and that I have to get them back this week. So I changed schedules and work two half days which will be really good. Am off tomorrow. Or more today . It is good to realise that I get closer to caring for myself.

Also realised how important it is to have enough sleep to be able to manage work properly.

All in all a crazy but good time.

writing exercises

I am a bit further in “the courage to heal”. I read that bit about what happend to you/us/me. There is a writing exercise to start remembering. I am still not sure if I want to write about that. It sometimes feels to private but I also already have started. So what is the point in keeping it back?

The next chapter is about contacting the inner child. There is and exercise too to write her a letter. I decided that I would rather contact them when ever needed or more all the time to commit myself to their healing and giving them the love they never had. It seems to work they trust me and give me memories back which I am not sure if I am so happy about it. It is so exhausting. But also so much relieve. The next one is about anger. I think that is one I will bring in here again.

Second part of the book "The courage to heal"

Some weeks ago I read about people who had bad experiences with this book. How it made them do the wrong decisions and what “bad” effect it had on them. They warned not to use the book.
I can not say that it ever had a negative effect on me. But I think with healing it is like with everything – different things work for different people. If you decide to read the book and it does not feel right – don’t go on. You know the best what is good for you even though it is hard to learn to listen to that inner voice. But your survival shows that you knew ways to do so. That has not gone. If the book is not the right way. Don’t read it. There are other ways and other books.

The second part deals with the healing process. The first chapter gives an overview of the stages of healing. It also says that you do not experience those stages in a linear way. It is more a process and maybe something like a cycle. Different stages come back again and again until you are healed. And some things just always come back. I think that is something we have to live with no matter if we like it or not. It is maybe like a chronic illness. You do not like the symptoms but you have to live with them. And that is hard.
I just experience it again. I left the country I was born in to start a new life and a year afterwards my brother accused me of abuse and stopped having contact with me. That just shook my world upside down. I was close to a clinical depression and were back in councelling. I have to take medication to deal with the depression ever since. Now a year later I feel I have to have another look at what happened. I don’t know what triggert it. Maybe it is just that time of the year. My birthday and so. Or maybe it never left me but my learned behaviour of avoiding everything that is uncomfortable (and healing isn’t comfortable is it?) just stopped from going on.

Ok back to the book.
Stages of healing

The decision to heal: The authors say that once you recognised the abuse and the effects it has on your life you need to make a active commitment to healing. I think that is what I have lacked yet. I was remembering, I was coping, I was taking short term helps but I did not do an active commitment to my healing. But it feels like this has changed.

The emergency stage: Means to start dealing with memories and suppressed feelings. That might take your life into utter turmoil. It has a different effect on everyone but it is definitly life changing. But no matter how hard it feels remember: It does not last forever!


Remembering: The stage when memories and suppressed feelings get back into conciousness. But not everyone does remember. But that does not mean that the abuse has not happened. It just means that your consciousness chose other ways of protecting.

Believing it happened: All those stages do not mean you really believe yourself. At one point in your life something happens and it just makes it clear: It really happened. It is not my fantasy or me wanting attention. It really happened. And that is a really big step. For me it came in stages. The more I remembered the more I thought about it the more I believed.

Breaking the silence: As a victim of abuse you were not heard. As an adult you still often keep everything to yourself which is normal. But breaking the silence and talk to someone who believes is a powerful healing force.

Making contact with the child within: Many survivors have lost their contact with their vulnerability also called your inner child. To get in touch with it gives you the opportunity to feel compassion for yourself, feel rage and anger against your abuser and get closer to the important people in your life.

Trusting yourself: This is a very important one for me and I think starting to heal and to believe in oneself is already a trusting yourself. It means to trust your inner voice, your feelings, your thoughts and intuitions.

Mourning and grieving: You lost so much no matter what exactly happened. There is no “bad” or “not so bad” abuse. Abuse is abuse and it hurt you deeply and you have the right to mourn of what is lost. The innocent child, the intimacy, your fantasy…….  I think this is a very important stage as well because it lets go of all those images we made of ourselves and how our childhood was. We do see clearly how it really was and can mourn it.

Anger the backbone of healing: This I have to cite as I have real trouble with it:” Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Wether you have to get in touch with it or always have had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarly at the abuser and those who did not protect you is pivotal to healing.”
This is were my healing process got stuck.

Disclosures and confrontations: To confront your abuser is not for every survivor but it is a powerfull healing tool.

Forgiveness: Forgiving the abuser is not essential for the healing process even though the most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself. But that seems to be the hardest for me.

Spirituality: I cite again:” Having a sense of a greater power than yourself can be a great asset in your healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personell experience. You might find it in traditional religion, meditation, nature or your support group.”

Resolution and moving on: I wish I could be there:” As you move through these stages again and again you will reach a Point of integration. Your feelings and perceptions will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history you will make deep and lasting changes in your life.

Having gained awareness, compassion and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work towards a better world.”  I like that

writing exercise: Coping II

I definitly denied and forgot what happened. I still can only remember a few moments. I wonder how horrifying it had been for me that I made myself forget everything. As far as I can remember I lead a kind of double life. The life to the outside where I was a very grown up girl taking care of my brother, being good at school, doing work at church, reading a lot and write. But at night I was a scared bundle of nerves, crying myself to sleep and waiting horrified to hear his step on the stairs. But I never really knew why. Over day I didn’t lose a thought about what happened at night. That was the only way. At the moment I read it like someone else wrote it and I am just astonished how I was able to do so. Whenever I was not busy I escaped in my own fantasy world or in books. What I said about two lives that I lead also responds to that being in another world. I do not know how to describe that. I did all those things but it was like I was not there. It was like a kind of robot that did all this. Myself was hidden somewhere inside of that robot in a secure place where I did not feel anything, was not afraid but was in a kind of stasis.
I self-harmed and still do. I started biting my nails but I got punished for it. So in the end I started biting the inside of my mouth where no one could see it. That’s what I still do especially when I am stressed. I do not realise that I do it. Just when it starts bleeding and really hurting I realise what happened.
I also played with candles. I hold my finger in the flames or in the hot wax. Or I got a needle and stuck it through the top layer of skin of my finger tips.
I also got busy with what ever possible. My granny told me when I saw her last time that she was so worried because I was out every evening with another project, I did all my housework properly, organised groups with my friends to learn together, I did good at a choir and playing the recorder and later on had to do housework as well. I did a lot of church work. The conservative protestant Christianity that was popular in my  village was a great help for me. There was a clear system that told me what to do and how to become a good person. I hanged on to it even though it never solved anything to me. Later on I read a lot about other religions and left that system.
As my mum was ill my granny was with us often and there was a time when ever she was there I got stomach problems and she made me tea and hot water bottles. It did not really help me or change anything for myself but it was good to be pampered a bit.
I developed an eating disorder later on. I hardly ate anything. Some years ago I showed a picture of myself to my partner. I was aged 19 on the picture, 1,70 m and weighed 50 KG ( 5,7 Ft  and 8 Stone). That was for the first time that I realised how skinny I was. I was shocked.
That was the time I developed depression that still has a great influence in my life. I never knew about mental illness I just wondered why I was so sluggish and sad and were not able to do something. Later in my thirties I was diagnosed with depression which helped a lot.
And I also was super-alert. I started having premonitions and also pick up on other peoples emotions.

Now after I wrote all that I am amazed how resourceful I was to survive. A lot of those behaviours give me problems now but some became strengths that help me today. I also realise how wrong my image about myself was. I thought I was a lazy person. But now I see how much I achieved then and now.

There is still this feeling all this is wrong and I am wrong but I think I am on a good way to change.

Writing exercise: Coping

I was thinking about this exercise a lot. It feels wrong how I coped. It feels like the way I coped with everything keeps blocking and stopping me now. I feels wrong to honour what I did.
That shows how bad I think about myself another effect of the abuse. How can I make myself honour what I did? One little thing might help it is to change the word. I try to respect what I did instead of honouring it. It feels easier to respect – in the end it is probably the same but for me it is easier.
Maybe I am afraid of honouring what I did because it is another step of accepting that I have been abused. And it means to change my thinking about myself. I have been trained that I am a bad person that I deserved to be abused. And I have to learn now that no one but the abuser is to blame. Logically that sounds easy. I can understand that. But my feelings do not so easily understand!

Coping Honoring what you did to survive

Ok Iwill only list coping strategies and won’t explain as it is really hard for me to work through that chapter. Just get the book and have a look for your self. It is definitly worth it

Minimizing (it was not that bad)
Rationalizing (The abuser was so stressed he/she couldn’t cope)
Denying
Forgetting
Splitting – Lack of Integration – Leaving your body
Control
Chaos
Spacing out
Being superalert
Humor
Busyness
Escape
Mentall Illness
Self-Mutilation
Suicide attempts
Addiction
Eating Difficulties
Lying
Stealing
Gambling
Workaholism
Avoiding intimacy
Religion
Compulsive seeking or avoiding sex

The important point is that we can change. We only had a few options for survival as children and we used what ever we could. Some are accepted in our society some are not. But both can block our lives and accepting and honoring what we did is one part of healing.

I spent so much time telling myself that what I did to survive was bad and that it blocks myself now adays that I just did not give myself the possibility to go on and heal. That is what I want to work on now!

Writing exercises: The Effects

Ok I try it. 20 min for the effects:

And I do blank! Great! I can not nurture me or my family. I always expect myself to do everything perfect and get depressed if i can not. But my standards are not realistic so I punish myself all the time because I just can not reach them. I get aggressive as soon as someone comes too close. I get impatient when things do not work or if things change but I am able to stay totally cool if someone starts panking about something or in a akute situation.
I am very flexible but in some situations I am not. I think I mean I am not very conventional and give the people around me the same freedom. I have a lot of fantasy. I am able to express myself creatively and I am very proud of that. That is probably a big achievement to be able to be proud of something.
I sense things some would say I am a bit supernatural but that also means I go overboard. I think everyone thinks about me in a bad way. I can not imagine that someone just doesn’t care about what I do or really thinks i do a good job. I always think:”They just say that to be nice!”
I exhaust easily. But I am a very spiritual person and as such not very narrow minded. As long as people treat each other human and do good for the world I do not care what they believe in. I survived through books. Living in the books realities made it easier for me to endure mine. Which made me broad minded because I learned a lot. Depression, often not being able to make love, flashbacks, fits, backache, headaches, painful periods, hope against all odds, always see the good in a situation or person, I get angry and can not stop, I can be really cruel and sarcastic if I have the feeling I am treated unfair, there is this underlying feeling “no matter what I do I am not enough and no one believes me!” which drives me mad and makes me so angry.
Being able to play different roles.

1. Writing excercise

The first writing excercise in “The Courage to heal” is to write about how much I am still affected but to also write about what strengths helped to survive.
I was thinking about that last night when I stopped working on it and it felt like:”I already put in all those other posts how much I am affected. I want to think about what helped me to survive. What makes me strong person!”
The authors say these writing excercises are not high literature. You are meant to give yourself a certain amount of time like 10 to 20 min and if your concsiousness starts blocking just write something like:” i hope this ends soon.” or “I am hungry I am hungry” They use the example of a person who had to write:” I have to stop now!” and then were able to go on.
It is tough stuff! All the protection I developed to survive jumps up and shouts with all the red lights up:”STOP – DANGER – STOP – DANGER….!” And it is that barrier that I need to overcome. The Authors say that the worst lays in our past. The abuse! We survived and now we have to face what happened and how it still affects face on. It just doesn’t go away by ignoring it. And yes my last 20 years do proof that!