Letting go

I am glad to have taken that decision but I also feel bad. Bad because I could have acted in so  much more adult and professional way.But could I really have? I have never learned to take care of myself. I have never learned to say NO! My instincts have been injured so early I have learned so many negative inner believes that there is no way I could have solved things easier yet. I am on my way I am not there yet.

One thing I am still learning is to listen to my inner voice. It told me since last autumn to leave this position but I did not want to let anyone down. But there is the point. All the others were more important than me. But it was so often that I knew I do the wrong thing I should change and I did not and it brought more suffering.

Have I learned my lesson now?

It is also a question of letting go. Letting go of negative things in my life. I am so used to them that it is scary to commit to the good in my life. Strange that we rather have the bad that we are used to than the good that might come.

 

am not exactly clear where I stand…

… I am back doing 6 Days a week instead of 5 but I managed to get all my breaks no matter how the department looked like, no matter how busy it was and no matter what the others might think. I also managed to be out in time today and do the next cognitive-behavioural-therapy session.
And I wrote. I write and write and write. It feels like I must! It feels like I am coming to what I am supposed to do. But I am not sure if I am able to let that drama, feeling of being a victim and that depression go. I am so used to it and being happy scares me.Oh dear. A thought just shot through my mind. I was happy in a children,s camp on holiday when my mum died. Before I left home I felt like I would never see her again and it scared me to death. But I suppressed that thought. Maybe one of my inner believes is: When I am happy something horrible will happen. Well just another one. The Cognitive-behavioural- therapy should help against it.

 

Today I made a decision!

I will let got of that job as it is not good for me. The right one will come along as I let go!
I also will change my priorities. I read something on twitter: The way you treat yourself determines how others treat you!
So taking care of myself is the main priority. No matter how my past was. That is what I want to learn now and it is a priority!

 

Letting go…..

It is a theme going threough my life: Letting go! Letting go off family and friends but also letting go of behaviour and thinking patterns that do not support me any more. Sometimes I try much too hard and think about it constantly and I get frustrated. The easier way that usually helps more is to decide to let go and then forget about it. I usually meet people who support me, find links, books ect that help me and I change effortlessly. Unfortunately so often I hang on to those negative thoughts learned patterns and whatever makes my life hard.I don’t want that any more. But I think it is a daily decision to act that way and also has something to do with forgiving myself when I slip. Development doesn’t happen over night. it is growing like a seed. And start again and again.