dreams

Lately I dream immensely.

I can remember my dreams every night and they mainly have something to do with water and houses. I know that a house always means the dreamer and that water has something to do with feelings. But somehow I can  not make sense of them.

Yesterday I saw a man who looked like my ex and at night our neighbours started fighting. All this together gives me a really odd feeling of anticipation of something bad to happen.

But I can not identify if that is dark thinking indicating depression or if it is my intuition telling me something. I am scared. I can feel that something in my life is changing greatly. I am scared that it will be to the worse as so many things have gone right lately and I have achieved so much.

I remember to have lived with exactly this feeling for most of my childhood. I have no idea how I could manage to live with this and survive. It is so disturbing. So terribly disturbing.

Dreams

I am wearing a necklace from my mum nearly all the time when I am off work since a few weeks. It has a relatively big carnelian stone and I started dreaming a lot and dreaming pretty weird stuff. But there are symbols that seem to repeat themselves and I wonder about them.I dreamed twice about swimming in a huge fish tank which had sharks and other big fish in them. The first time we were observed by a female scientist. This time she swam with us but was a journalist for tv as well.

Water, fish, cellar, under water all seems to be associated with emotions. Well they most certainly all come back since a while.

 

had another strange dream!

I was in the room I had when I was teenager. There was a huge window and a white net curtain. Behind the curtain there were about 20 bees building a hive but also already producing honey. One of my co-workers was there plus an elderly woman and me. The woman was eating honeycomb which looked like it was a great big bunch of mold. She offered me and I tried but spat it out. It was not nice. I then tried to hold the bees but expected to be stung. But it did not happen. Some bees left some stayed. The honey was tripping on the window sill.The friend I had trouble with a few months ago has contacted me again. Her daughter had googled me and found a blog from which I had tweeted something. She assumed it is mine and that I had been pregnant and had not told her. She still expects me to fulfil her need for a phone-call.
Whatever she writes just causes me to feel threatened and that I should do something I do not want to do. She tries to make me feel guilty that I do not fulfil her need.
I reacted immediately and wrote what I thought and felt but am not sure if that was the right thing.
We have needs that are totally contrary and I asked her what solutions she has for that.

Well I am changing: I used to think she is right and I am wrong and I have to change to be a good person and to heal. But why should I do something I do not want to? Why do I have to change to make her feel good?

I do not want to waste my time with people who are not happy with who I am any more. But at the same time I think that that is very cruel and selfish. But is that not exactly the thinking that keeps us imprisoned in guilty feelings?

Will I take the freedom to be happy and let go of situations and people that and who are not good for me?

picture source http://www.webweaver.nu/clipart/insects-bees.shtml