she is peeking out of her cage…

I always had the feeling that there are two personalities inside of me. There is one who is adult, responsible, hard working, competitive and pretty logic. And there is that younger one who has been hiding for so many years. She is emotional, honest, strong and she starts to investigate and explore this life and this body. Welcome little one – I am proud you are still here!

Dissorder? (2.)

JeffsSong Jeff’s Song 

@

@Lisathriver21 Tried to comment; just wish I could add that DID can be a blessing. When the system works together – it’s a beautiful thing

I got this tweet today and it made me think about the disorder thing again. I wrote yesterday that survival strategies do not work after a while any more but am I right about that?

Thinking about it it came to mind that I should not generalise this. For many it might still work as Jeff wrote. It is a beautiful thing if survival strategies help you all along the way.

Disorder?

Individuals diagnosed with DID demonstrate a variety of symptoms with wide fluctuations across time; functioning can vary from severe impairment in daily functioning to normal or high abilities. Symptoms can include:^[11]

• Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs which are not similar to each other
• Unexplainable headaches and other body pains
• Distortion or loss of subjective time
• Depersonalization
• Derealization
• Severe memory loss
• Depression
• Flashbacks of abuse/trauma
• Sudden anger without a justified cause
• Frequent panic/anxiety attacks
• Unexplainable phobias
• Auditory of the personalities inside their mind
• Paranoia

Patients may experience an extremely broad array of other symptoms that may appear to resemble epilepsy, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, post traumatic stress disorder,personality disorders, and eating disorders.^[11]

[edit]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms

This is what Wikipedia says about the symptoms of DID (Dissociative identity disorder).

I am missing memories of most of life before my mother’s death when I was 12. There are bits here and there but I am never sure if it is me or what my family told me. It always troubled me not to know what happened but I always decided that my psyche and/or soul knows why it does not give me any memories. But I never thought this might be a symptom of disorder. I do not like this expression anyway. It is a way of dealing with trauma it is something healthy to survive and create ways of surviving. Unfortunately these ways do not work after a while any more and get more in the way than help. Then you have to adapt. But for me it feels like adapting again and again is so tiring. To get over this exhaustion moment and realise that it is healing is one of the hardest things to achieve. That is how it feels for me.

something has changed….

….. but I can not figure out what it is.
Well of course I have been taking care of myself with getting help at work to be able to communicate better with that co-worker. I have to fight with all that emotional Chaos I usually had to fight with but it feels different. Well actually it feels how it used to feel like. There is this analytical part inside of me that gets the facts and takes care that I get help, there is this emotional part that creates drama and feels the anger and frustration but there is another one. When I walked back into work yesterday I suddenly had that feeling to really be in my body. I could feel the sun on my skin and observed my feet walking over the tarmac. It was like I was really there and do not only exist in my mind or that “safe” place or what ever that is. I used to have that way back when I started to heal but haven’t been there for ages. And that question pops up in my mind constantly is there DID and PTSD as well as Depression? Have I been treated for the right things? What else do I have to do to get me into a better state?
Well I signed into the Forum of HAVOCA (help for adult survivors of child abuse) to start getting into a community and get some feedback and new ideas. Besides that I think I need either therapy or counselling or any other professional help to figure out what else I suffer from. But I do not have a clue where to start.
This is a new stage. I can feel it! I know it! It will be better but I do think that when you are not only in a bad place when there are more and more good times the bad times that are less feel a lot worse than all that bad time before!

Better?

I haven’t had time to do my session of Behavioural-Cognitive-Therapy in time last week. I did it yesterday and it was about challenging my negative thoughts. The first sessions were about recognising my negative thoughts. Then I had to find out when I think them and how I feel. And afterwards it was about challenging them.
For example at work as soon as someone walks by talking to each other I think “Oh they talk about me thinking I am not capable of doing this job!” I found out what I think and when. Then my feelings it makes me feel really upset. Now I have to challenge this thought with “Do I do a thought mistakes” – Yes I assume they talk about me! What evidence is there for and against it. For: They talk and look at me or talk more silent. Against: I did not hear what they were talking about. What are alternative ways of looking at it? I am not at the center of the universe they probably talk about something else. They might feel for me and want to help me. I think I am supposed to find as many as possible. But I can not think of any more and the last one doesn’t feel very likely to me. And the last one: If my thoughts are true what steps can I take? Well I don’t know? What are you doing against people talking about you? Feeling that I am still interesting? I would never be courageous enough to challenge them even though I challenged my co-worker.And it did work. He acts an awful lot nicer towards me and I feel I can start changing the situation and start working with him. Personel spoke to him and maybe he sees things differently.

But it still gives me that brick hard feeling in my belly. Today at work I was challenged by a lot of negative thoughts and just that “I need to get away!” feeling. But I also thought that I do not know how much I judge my situation according to facts or according to Depression. I could not concentrate very good but tried to concentrate on work instead of negative thoughts.
Now I am tired. I am exhausted.

And I need to read up on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I read a book about it about ten years ago and thought: “That describes it perfectly!” but I never got diagnosed for it. I was always treated for depression but that might not be all.

Today when I walked to work I felt differently. I really felt my body and it felt good. It was like I was just watching myself before but now I was really present. That was just for a minute. But maybe that is a start!

 

backlash – attention might trigger

I stood up – I fought for help, which I am getting and I feel like the world ends. It is always like that. I achieve something, do something, change something, I feel good and then it turns around and I feel like I will never get out of it, that something bad will happen, that it all goes worse and I wonder if that has something to do with my past.
I can only remember that one time but I might have said something to someone because I can remember that we had social services at the house talking to us. But I can not remember why. Maybe something bad happened afterwards. He/they might have punished me for saying something and after all I did not get any help. That must have been devastating. That would explain my backlash feeling when I start changing things.yesterday I read about DID. I read that there are hosts who are not able to remember anything but feel extremely anxious, out of control and not being able to cope. That is exactly how I feel mostly and I can not remember even though he admitted it kind of.

I hope I can sort this and heal!