sorry for neglecting you lately

Things have gone tough for me especially at work as my rage triggers have been at work quite a bit.

Had a conversation with personal and my department manager and we found a way for me to be able to go on working.

But I was really shocked how much power is behind my feelings. I feel ashamed for having reacted too harsh in situations and it triggered a full push of depression again. Feel a bit like:” I can’t do it again!” but I will. There is no way that I leave that learned pattern get the better of me.

I am using the breathing technique I have learned in therapy. That is: feeling my heartbeats and breath four heartbeats in four heartbeats out. It calms you down automatically even though the amount of heartbeats is different for every person.

What I found really helpful is the CBT’s “Thought-Protocol” which makes you describe a difficult situation, makes you give attention to the feelings you have experienced and rate them. Then you need to see automatic thoughts coming up like: “I am hopeless” ~ “I am not worth any help” ~ “Everyone hates me”. It makes you find examples for the truth of this thought and against this thought and then to change this thought into something positive like: “yes in this situation I have reacted like always which makes me think I am hopeless but in all these situations I have not!”. You then have a look again at your feelings and rate them again. Usually you feel a lot better afterwards.

This exercise makes me think about what is really going on, what triggers me and what I could do when it happens next time. But it needs time and it is exhausting which does not really help. Well, I am not giving up.

For the first time I have asked for another day off  as I feel I need to learn more to relax and allow myself to get enough rest. This seems to be very important as I never have learned to give myself enough rest. It also feels empowering as I take care of myself and when I take care of myself I can take care of others .

Well there is so much going on I needed a break from blogging but I have a lot to write about now so you won’t be neglected furthermore !

Something strange….

I am wondering about this since a while: I seem to have spells of depression and more biting in April/May, August and October. I understand August as my mother passed away in August and even though it is 30 years next year I still miss her and feel the trauma of having lost her. I can live with it but it still hurts at times. I guess that is how it is no matter when you lose your mother.

But I do not understand the other months. There is nothing really that I connect with them. Well, my therapist says that we get triggered by many things that we are not really aware of. I guess I just have to live with it and get prepared.

dreams

Lately I dream immensely.

I can remember my dreams every night and they mainly have something to do with water and houses. I know that a house always means the dreamer and that water has something to do with feelings. But somehow I can  not make sense of them.

Yesterday I saw a man who looked like my ex and at night our neighbours started fighting. All this together gives me a really odd feeling of anticipation of something bad to happen.

But I can not identify if that is dark thinking indicating depression or if it is my intuition telling me something. I am scared. I can feel that something in my life is changing greatly. I am scared that it will be to the worse as so many things have gone right lately and I have achieved so much.

I remember to have lived with exactly this feeling for most of my childhood. I have no idea how I could manage to live with this and survive. It is so disturbing. So terribly disturbing.

feeling better?

I had planned to meet a friend yesterday but as I was still so exhausted thought about not going. In the end I decided to go as I have learned that fighting depression is mainly about going on doing the things you enjoy.

Am so glad I went as we had a fun afternoon and I came back feeling so much better. I also did a lot of house work yesterday as I always found it therapeutic to see the results of my work and I think it has a good effect on your mood being in a clutter free and clean environment. I also used Aromatherapy. I put Lavender and Neroli oil in our vaporiser both are supposed to calm you down and better your mood.

One thing that has not got back into balance is my sleeping pattern. I have trouble falling asleep and last night woke up at 2o past 3 AM. Well reading and hot water bottle got me back on track but still it is exhausting.

It is quiet inside of me…

…. I can feel happiness and follow goals. I can read and write and do what I enjoy. The longer I heal the more I appreciate these times. It is not that my life is that horrible. It is just those triggering, depressed, chaotic times that torment me. Would like to let go of all that pain, all that anger, all that frustration. But it keeps coming back to me.

 

Disorder?

Individuals diagnosed with DID demonstrate a variety of symptoms with wide fluctuations across time; functioning can vary from severe impairment in daily functioning to normal or high abilities. Symptoms can include:^[11]

• Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs which are not similar to each other
• Unexplainable headaches and other body pains
• Distortion or loss of subjective time
• Depersonalization
• Derealization
• Severe memory loss
• Depression
• Flashbacks of abuse/trauma
• Sudden anger without a justified cause
• Frequent panic/anxiety attacks
• Unexplainable phobias
• Auditory of the personalities inside their mind
• Paranoia

Patients may experience an extremely broad array of other symptoms that may appear to resemble epilepsy, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, post traumatic stress disorder,personality disorders, and eating disorders.^[11]

[edit]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms

This is what Wikipedia says about the symptoms of DID (Dissociative identity disorder).

I am missing memories of most of life before my mother’s death when I was 12. There are bits here and there but I am never sure if it is me or what my family told me. It always troubled me not to know what happened but I always decided that my psyche and/or soul knows why it does not give me any memories. But I never thought this might be a symptom of disorder. I do not like this expression anyway. It is a way of dealing with trauma it is something healthy to survive and create ways of surviving. Unfortunately these ways do not work after a while any more and get more in the way than help. Then you have to adapt. But for me it feels like adapting again and again is so tiring. To get over this exhaustion moment and realise that it is healing is one of the hardest things to achieve. That is how it feels for me.

Triggers as warnings????

At last I got out of my job and my mind is a bit more calm now. Can see things from a distance and I realised how much I have been reacting out of order. Meaning out of my order. No matter how bad my depression ever was I have never reacted in an aggressive way towards superiors and I could always have kept work and private life apart. Not that that is really possible in our situation but I never got into trouble.
But the situation at work is a strange one. Responsibilities are not clear any more. What is exprected from us is not clear any more and too much is expected from us. Things that can not work out at all.
I can not see trough it all and I wonder if my triggered situation for months have been a sign for that not the other way round.

 

I need a plan!

That is what I say to myself when things get too much. I used to make loads of lists but never really followed them. Now I only have that at work. I need to order things to be able to deal with them.Work is getting much too much. Besides the problem of being short-staffed because of different reasons on a regular basis I also start having to deal with my emotions. My anger is there! And it expresses itself pretty good but totally unprofessional. I do not want to do that. I get triggered by the unstable situation and I just can not stop myself I just freak. Well I express my frustration I can not stop that which is understandable but does not help me getting a better situation at work and them to understand what is going on.

And I have to start keeping both apart. I am mixing problems, feelings of the actual situation up with what happened in my childhood. Not helping either.

I am back in that state that I can not concentrate and feel like I am not really inside myself. I just go along like a robot doing everyday things but not being there. And there is a very very angry self somewhere inside myself who has never shown itself before. Or maybe only in bits. I need to give her a voice. A voice that is helping us to release in a good way.

Well the plan is: Talk to personnel and explain situation ask for solution with the sign off’s. They seem extremely stressful. Get an appointment with gp and get therapy someone who knows about dissociation ect. And get a self-help group. I need more support from people who know what I am talking about. But my experiences with them are not very good. I was pushed into doing things in one that I did not want to do even though helpful but if not wanted not helpful. If you unerstand what I mean. So I am not quiet sure if that is a good idea again.  Well lets do step 1 first and step 2 second and third can wait a bit. pffffffff healing can be very exhausting!

 

getting more away from myself….

I have trouble to concentrate. Can hardly meditate. Do not want to write or read. Creativity is gone. At work I feel like a robot. Can not take actively part. I just work along and need to think twice to remember what needs doing something I do since 2 1/2 years. I should know it by heart. No connection to the spiritual world. Where or what am I?