Better?

I haven’t had time to do my session of Behavioural-Cognitive-Therapy in time last week. I did it yesterday and it was about challenging my negative thoughts. The first sessions were about recognising my negative thoughts. Then I had to find out when I think them and how I feel. And afterwards it was about challenging them.
For example at work as soon as someone walks by talking to each other I think “Oh they talk about me thinking I am not capable of doing this job!” I found out what I think and when. Then my feelings it makes me feel really upset. Now I have to challenge this thought with “Do I do a thought mistakes” – Yes I assume they talk about me! What evidence is there for and against it. For: They talk and look at me or talk more silent. Against: I did not hear what they were talking about. What are alternative ways of looking at it? I am not at the center of the universe they probably talk about something else. They might feel for me and want to help me. I think I am supposed to find as many as possible. But I can not think of any more and the last one doesn’t feel very likely to me. And the last one: If my thoughts are true what steps can I take? Well I don’t know? What are you doing against people talking about you? Feeling that I am still interesting? I would never be courageous enough to challenge them even though I challenged my co-worker.And it did work. He acts an awful lot nicer towards me and I feel I can start changing the situation and start working with him. Personel spoke to him and maybe he sees things differently.

But it still gives me that brick hard feeling in my belly. Today at work I was challenged by a lot of negative thoughts and just that “I need to get away!” feeling. But I also thought that I do not know how much I judge my situation according to facts or according to Depression. I could not concentrate very good but tried to concentrate on work instead of negative thoughts.
Now I am tired. I am exhausted.

And I need to read up on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I read a book about it about ten years ago and thought: “That describes it perfectly!” but I never got diagnosed for it. I was always treated for depression but that might not be all.

Today when I walked to work I felt differently. I really felt my body and it felt good. It was like I was just watching myself before but now I was really present. That was just for a minute. But maybe that is a start!

 

I feel strange….

….. today as I have finished the third session of the cognitive-behaviour-therapy. There were a lot of things I already knew. I had done them before to not get into the deep too much but I seemed to have forgotten that in autumn. Last time I was so bad I started to write diary to leave my negative thoughts somewhere and not to deal with them constantly and I urged myself to stay active. I think the worst thing you can do when depressed is stop doing things. Make yourself a schedule and stick to it no matter what. If you stop you already have lost. And make sure you do something pleasurable every day. And if it is only to have a cup of coffee in the garden. If you enjoy it – do it!

But there were times when I stopped all that. When I stopped doing things I already knew as true and I can not understand why that is.

My conclusion? I think my depression is worse than I thought. I do need the help of medication which I feel is me being defeated by my condition. I also wonder how I can deal with all that pain I still feel. The pain that I haven’t found a way to let go off about the abuse, about losing my mother so early about difficult relationships.

I bite my lips like never before and my joints hurt as well. I do not know what that has to do with it it just seems to apply.

But I am also more aware of it. I have always tried to keep all that pain away because it just seemed to much and I still feel like that. Things seem to be too  much constantly. But I have a look at it. I am sad and I mourn I mourn about that girl that had no chance to grow up in a protected way. I mourn about the girl who never had the chance to develop healthy self-esteem and to just succeed in what she is doing. It is not that I do not succeed it is just that I can not see that and feel like I am not enough all the time.

Maybe I deal with it in a good way am just not there to see it. But the question that pops up in my head constantly is:”How can I deal with all that pain? How can I release it and work with it or integrate it in my life that it stops from stopping me?!”

injuring myself – attention might trigger

I am feeling kind of well. Starting the computerised cognitive-behavioural-therapy and having been out of work for so long brought my balance back a bit. I still struggle when I have to get up. I feel dizzy and lose orientation a bit but my overall feeling is ok right now.But whenever I feel like this I start hurting myself more than usual. I bit the inside of my mouth and the skin of the tip of my fingers. The questionaire of the therapy asked if I think about hurting myself and I wrote no. Well I don’t want to kill myself surely not but biting myself until it bleeds is hurting myself. But I do not think about it. I just do it. I only realise it when my mouth is sore and bleeding and when the skin on my fingertips is half eaten.

Often I wonder about why I do that. I don’t do it in crisis when it seems logic. I start doing it when I feel like things get better. When it feels like I get a grip on things. Someone told me once that it is because I want to punish myself. But for what? For feeling better? It all doesn’t make sense.

When I first wrote the headline I wrote “insuring” myself instead of “injuring”. Wondered if it is a Freudian slip and hurting myself is an insurance not to forget the pain. I do not really want to forget the pain but I would love to be able to live with it without being hurt or stopping myself from living. I am here now! I am not living in the past!

Maybe I need to learn more about the psychological mechanics that make you hurt yourself!

 

computer aided cognitive behavioural therapy

I am taking part in a study about computer aided cognitive behavioural therapy .I have had several therapy both in the country I come from and here that were more the talking approach. I mainly had the possibility to talk about whatever came into my mind and got feedback for it which really helped to figure out what the problem is. But I still have behaviours that do “disable” me and my life and my gp suggested to try out computer aided cognitive behavioural therapy.

You might know cognitive and behavioural therapy. The cognitive approach tries to identify thinking that has a negative effect on us like negative assumptions eg “I can not cook very well!” and change the way we think.
The behavioural approach on the other hand aims more on techniques to enforce behaviours that do not hinder us. And then there is the merging of both work with the way we think as well as changing our behaviour.

Some of these techniques are used in self-help environment and as there are not enough therapists and for some therapy in person just isn’t an option the computer aided version was invented.

I was reading the entry of blooming lotus about how important online courses for survivors are and wondered how much the computerised therapy approach would be an alternative. It is probably not for everyone as our ways of healing are as individual as we are. But it might be a great help on the way.