Feeling pity….

….for the bully!

I just got over my fears and flashbacks with the co-worker who bullied me and there he is back in my face.

When I got something to eat in the canteen I was joking with the ladies who cook for us. Just afterwards he thanked them as well but from one end of the canteen to the other extra loud. He was in there about 10 min when I was there as well and he shouted when ever he could.

Other people in the canteen looked around irritated. I was talking then to another co-worker and we could not concentrate on our conversation because he made such a huffuffle. I rolled my eyes but panik-attack signs started again.

But I did not give in. I did the breathing exercise and just got out of his way for the rest of the day. At one point I thought: “Dear man how sad are you that you do not realise how much you get on peoples nerves?”

I suspect he has been bullied himself as a young person as he is quite big. He might have been big as a child and he is just protecting himself in a way with being so loud: “Better attack than being attacked!”

Well mate sorry for your troubles but I just pity you .

Related articles

• Teacher reportedly gives girl ‘catastrophe’ award (foxnews.com)
• Excessive praise ‘risks turning kids into bullies’ (abc.net.au)
• Leader Or Bully? There are Consequences (linusfernandes.com)

Being understood….

Lately I have though a lot about how people who are not affected by abuse and its aftermaths just do not understand how things work for us.

Mind you we often do not understand it ourselves so how can they. What made me think that was the fact that I really felt uncomfortable at work for a long while after they have not heard my part of my complaint about being bullied. They have just talked to the other part and that gave me the feeling they were sorting things and talking behind my back. At that time I just ignored that but it kept coming back.

Last week at least I got an apology from our personal department which calmed me down a bit as I for the first time in this situation felt taken serious. I was asked again to work on that persons department which I would have done but the lady from personal asked if I felt uncomfortable with it and I said:”very much!” so she decided that I do not need to do it.

Since last year and my try to get out of that bullying situation I started to feel really aggressive towards management. Whenever they asked for something and even if it was obvious and relevant things I discussed everything and went into opposition which is not at all like me. I also was talking really badly about work which did not help my mood and might have caused the depression to flare up again.

I hardly ever was happy at work. Since last week I feel like I am back to more being myself and even on the day I should have worked on that other department I could go on with everything normally which was a really good experience.

But I so often thought:” They probably think that I am just a drama queen” as his behaviour does not seem to bother other people. I have always tried to stay at work no  matter how bad I felt or when I had to deal with flashbacks. But that is something how survivors are: no matter how bad you feel you so often can do a brilliant job; show your talents and even exceed but just one single little word or a song can bring you totally out of balance and cause a break down.

But there is also that other thought that comes up more and more:” Who gives a d… what they think!”

Related articles

• Whose The Bully Now! (starrspress.wordpress.com)
• Movie Review: Watching “Bully” Is Not Enough To Make A Difference Says Bullying Prevention Expert (prweb.com)
• Relieving the Trauma of Bullying (tfttraumarelief.wordpress.com)
• Bullying at Work (specialspice.wordpress.com)

a sensitive balance

Whenever I feel I have found some kind of balance and feel more happiness than ever something happens that shakes my soul up. This is when I realise how sensitive the balance is I have been able to achieve in the last few months.

I felt bullied at work by a co-worker and had changed department to be able to stay at work. I had told management but it seemed like they were not able to deal with the situation accordingly and so for me the feeling stayed that the bully had won and I was not taken serious. On Monday I was asked to help out on his department and I just freaked. I said no, which in itself is a success as I never would have said no to a manager of mine before but got so shaken and close to another Panic Attack that I had to leave work.

I was so distressed by the whole situation that I called someone from outside for help. The personel manager who used to deal with this has left and the new one had been there then but was still in training and so was not really aware of the situation.

I explained with the help of the outside person and got the promise that I never have to work at that department and close to that person again.  Unfortunately the whole thing triggered a new flare up of depression that I could not realise how I got in the end what is good for me: Not to be exposed to the behaviour of that bully.

I still am exhausted from fighting depression and panik and feel totally out of balance. Don’t know if these situations just feel more severe than before as I am so much in balance on a long term basis or if I am so close to my feelings now that I just really feel all the pain and anger and fear that is there. I think it all got a bit out of proportion as my past of not being heard and taken serious in my feelings have a great impact on how I react to certain situations nowadays.

But there is hope. At last I got an appointment for counselling so that I can work on these issues.

backlash – attention might trigger

I stood up – I fought for help, which I am getting and I feel like the world ends. It is always like that. I achieve something, do something, change something, I feel good and then it turns around and I feel like I will never get out of it, that something bad will happen, that it all goes worse and I wonder if that has something to do with my past.
I can only remember that one time but I might have said something to someone because I can remember that we had social services at the house talking to us. But I can not remember why. Maybe something bad happened afterwards. He/they might have punished me for saying something and after all I did not get any help. That must have been devastating. That would explain my backlash feeling when I start changing things.yesterday I read about DID. I read that there are hosts who are not able to remember anything but feel extremely anxious, out of control and not being able to cope. That is exactly how I feel mostly and I can not remember even though he admitted it kind of.

I hope I can sort this and heal!

 

standing up for myself? – Attention might trigger

Where is all that anger gone? I don’t know. I am not really present. Fear is gnawing in my belly. I try to balance myself stay here but it is hard, exhausting, tiring.I have a co-worker who is a bully. I have been putting up with it because it is hard to tell as he does it in a very hidden way. Saying nasty things to me when I meet him alone in the hall. He is the star with most of my co-workers always in a good mood, making jokes with everybody just not me. But I can  not bear it any more.

So I talked to personnel. Said I need their help and a conversation with him to clear these things up. She said she’ll have a word with the boss and I was ok at first. I felt a bit euphoric at the beginning: “This is a significant change!” I thought went back to work and was already not present any more. Was a bit confused the whole day, falling asleep nearly all the time hardly able to finish what I have started.

It is like this me is slipping away and a machine is taking over that does all the things I have to do in the outside world. Where is my anger-mantra gone? Was it my inner child saying these things and it is just scared now hiding again? How can I be a good parent to my inner child and how can I develop that change to our best interest?

I try to connect to mother earth and sister water and breath deep thinking about earth’s power in the earthquake and waters power in the tsunami. I try to connect to it letting my aura shine and expand. “I do not let them make me feel small!” It helps for moments but then I have to do tasks and go on with it and my safety net gets holes.

My old protective prison around me is silently breaking away. I am freed – feeling hope of healing – but that young creature I am has no experience at all. It does not know yet how to protect and what to expect. It can only trust that the universe really brings all the powers together to help me.