Rage

I could never understand people who freaked and got aggressive like hell without any obvious reason. But since I have come close to my bottled up rage (nearly 40 years of bottled up rage) I so understand were many of those come from: It is like a switch turns and you can not hold yourself any more.

But the question is: Do you/Do I want to let that switch keep the upper hand or do I want to take control of my life. Well, I manage to get myself out and do not hurt myself or anyone else as I do not want that switch to take the upper hand but I get so much easier triggered lately.

I take it as a positive thing: I am changing. I accept that there are feelings that have been overwhelming me as a child and which have not been dealt with. I am dealing with them now!

There are people around me who do not understand what is going on. Who do not care and who do not ask for the reasons. It hurts, it questions if I am doing right or wrong but I was thinking lately that it does not matter if they understand or not. Actually I am glad that there are people who do not understand because I know they are not coming from that dark place I come from and they are blessed like that (even though they tend to treat me like I am inferior).

I guess rage, aggression, anger will be the themes I am talking about in the next few weeks. What are your thoughts and experiences with it?

I need a plan!

That is what I say to myself when things get too much. I used to make loads of lists but never really followed them. Now I only have that at work. I need to order things to be able to deal with them.Work is getting much too much. Besides the problem of being short-staffed because of different reasons on a regular basis I also start having to deal with my emotions. My anger is there! And it expresses itself pretty good but totally unprofessional. I do not want to do that. I get triggered by the unstable situation and I just can not stop myself I just freak. Well I express my frustration I can not stop that which is understandable but does not help me getting a better situation at work and them to understand what is going on.

And I have to start keeping both apart. I am mixing problems, feelings of the actual situation up with what happened in my childhood. Not helping either.

I am back in that state that I can not concentrate and feel like I am not really inside myself. I just go along like a robot doing everyday things but not being there. And there is a very very angry self somewhere inside myself who has never shown itself before. Or maybe only in bits. I need to give her a voice. A voice that is helping us to release in a good way.

Well the plan is: Talk to personnel and explain situation ask for solution with the sign off’s. They seem extremely stressful. Get an appointment with gp and get therapy someone who knows about dissociation ect. And get a self-help group. I need more support from people who know what I am talking about. But my experiences with them are not very good. I was pushed into doing things in one that I did not want to do even though helpful but if not wanted not helpful. If you unerstand what I mean. So I am not quiet sure if that is a good idea again.  Well lets do step 1 first and step 2 second and third can wait a bit. pffffffff healing can be very exhausting!

 

Anger – Attention might trigger

“I am angry! I am so angry!”These two sentence are repeating in my head like a mantra. Mostly at work. It seems to me that the situation there reminds me of how it was when I was young.

I do not know if I can already feel it. But I say and think it constantly and I wonder how I can deal with all that piled up anger and rage in myself. I never had the chance to come close to it let alone to deal with it. It does not seem to be enough to write about it. Both in the blog and in poems. There is more to let it go. But I do not know how to do that.

There was a time about 10 years ago when I just hit the sofa or anything close by but that does not seem to be the right thing to do now. It feels like something stuck up inside of me and blocking me.

And it is not that I do not feel it. I had quite a few outbursts at work and violent quarrels with my ex-partner. I get tense, my stomach feels like a square rock and I lose control I just want to hit. Sounds more severe than it probably is. That feeling of losing control is that it becomes hard for me to think clearly it is just all emotion – anger!

I suspect it is another step in healing but how to let it go? I think that is what I want to do. To let it go. It is a suppressed emotion that I never was able to express from the past that past I am NOT living in any more. But that anger is still there.

Maybe it is also that I should channel it to the right person. It is not my boss or my co-worker that I am angry with but my father and my ex. But they do not listen. So what to do???????

 

I am angry!

I am so angry!
Angry with people who do not take me for serious!
Angry with my depression that took over my life without giving me a chance!
Angry that lost and lose control!
Angry that he took the freedom to do things that damaged me!
Angry that I suffer no matter how hard I work to heal!
I am angry! So ANGRY!