I had an afternoon for myself and felt it is time to start bashing that sofa.
I was in an intense mood anyway. On Friday a colleague will come back to work after a holiday of two weeks who really triggers me. Had a fall out with her before she left on holiday and I do not feel it is sorted. She just triggers me constantly. Usually I can deal with it but there I just exploded.
She seems to be able to get over it and just leave it at that. She calls it “being professional” but to me it seems more to be “not being in contact with oneself”. I know a bit about her background. Her mother is with a man who treats her really bad but she does not feel like she can leave the man. But a girl learns to protect herself with losing that connection to ones instincts. Instinct injured that is what Clarissa Pinkola-Estes calls it in her book “Women who run with the wolves“.
Well, for one I am terribly instinct injured but I guess I am on my way back to myself. The way she acts though reminds so much of how I do not want to be any more. Bad one that is.
When I came home today I thought about that situation and just wanted to find a way to deal with it without giving into the triggers. I had a bath and suddenly it occurred to me that she also reminds me of a friend I had when I was young. A pretty spoiled child who got what ever she wanted and I had to give in all the time. I also remembered many many times when I had to give in, give away, just give and did not receive anything in return.
Now having been in a conservative Christian environment I have learned that giving without asking for something back is the holy grail. But well it’s not!
It made me and it makes me angry. I think I have the right to be treated fairly. Of course there are situations when giving is good. But if it is only giving and not receiving it is anything but.
I got out of the bath, dressed and went downstairs to do some grounding exercises and to connect with my celestial team. I wanted to hear what they have to say about the issue. Well, I started to tell them what bothered me about the girl and then I realised and expressed what I was angry about from the beginning: My father abusing me, my parents not caring at all or not enough for me, my brother who got what he wanted and I had to give in time and time again, that “friend” I had to give in to, my ex who treated me badly and whom I had to give in, that co-worker whom I had to give in…….. and suddenly I saw before my inner eyes those words written all over the place: I AM ANGRY!
And I started hitting our old sofa. Just bashed it. Not long. But for a little while I could let it out. Then I cried. I mourned that little girl who was not allowed to be angry and who felt such an overwhelming anger that she could not deal with. I cried for her and all she lost and felt like I need some more guidance. That was when I called on Wild Woman to teach me about this issue. I opened Clarissa Pinkola-Este’s “Women who run with the wolves” and it lead me to the story of the girl with the red shoes (Chapter 8, Self-preservation, Identifying leg-traps, cages and poisoned bait).
According to her the story goes about women who have learned to be nice, fit in and not to listen to their own instincts and needs which injures them. They lose the connection to their own needs, feelings and instincts which leads them into addiction and often self-destruction. But it is such a positive chapter as it says in the end that the good news is no matter how much you have been injured, how much your have been caged in convention you can heal.
There is something more encouraging too and here I cite from her book on page 254 “The real miracle of individuation and reclamation of Wild woman is that we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.
But like the wolf mother teaching her pups to hunt and take care, this is the way Wild Woman wells up through us. We begin to speak in her voice, taking on her vision and her values. She teaches us to send out the message of our return to those who are like us.
I know several writers who have this glyph taped above their writing desks. I know one who carries it folded up inside her shoe. It is from a poem by Charles Simic and it is the ultimate instruction to us all: “He who cannot howl, will not find his pack!”.
If you want to re-summon Wild Woman, refuse to be captured. Wit instincts sharpened for balance – jump anywhere you like, howl at will, take what there is, find out all about it, let your eyes show your feelings, look into everything, see what you can see. Dance in red shoes, but make sure they’re the ones you’ve made by hand. I can promise you will become one vital woman” (Clarissa Pinkola-Estes in “Women who run with the wolves” page 254)
I guess that is what I am doing. I am not ready at all but I start to look into things. I howl. I secure my boundaries. Unfortunately that guilty feeling indoctrinated in me by religion and society about being who I am and not who they want me to be is a very strong one and a very deep one. It has become one strong voice that reminds me where they want my place to be without me even recognising it. But I am not willing to give into it any more. I have started to howl even though I am not ready!
thanks for the picture to Retron from Wikimedia Commons via ookaboo
: If you have any suggestions for any of my pages on this blog please feel free to contact me on @ASpiritOfHealin on Twitter or in a comment on my blog and I will add.
