With the therapy I try to figure out why I am biting the insides of my mouth as well as the skin of my thumbs. For a long time I had the theory that I punish myself for feeling good.
Last week in the CBT-session my therapist said that these kinds of behaviour sometimes are more a habit than anything deeper. That made me think. I still have the homework to find out and register when I bite. Which I did. I could chose to write down what was going on in my mind and getting down to the core believe if it is involved but I wanted to find out if it is “just” a habit. So I told myself when I tried to start “Its just habit ~ stop it” and strangely it seems to work. I have hardly hurt myself this week.
But on the other hand I feel a lot more emotional and there are memories emerging. And I have trouble falling asleep as well as the symptoms of depression starting again. I take it that it is not just a habit but a way of mine to keep those overpowering feelings I had as a child and which are not yet resolved in check.
It is sadness (depression) and rage (got more easily angry at work as well as about the news of some adult guys who groomed 13year old girls into having sex with them) that are not resolved yet.
Yesterday night I lay in bed and wondered how I could do that. How I can ever be capable of not being attacked by these feelings which are so strong that they feel like a volcano inside myself and if I let that concrete wall of self-hurt and not being present down it will explode and destroy?
Sometimes it feels like nothing I achieve will ever be enough!
I so understand that feeling,sometimes it seems as though the harder I work the worse it gets. But then I have revelations and light bulbs going off everywhere in my head and I will have another hurdle jumped. I don’t know what the answers are, I am so raw at times my skin hurts. I do know that the journey through, is worth every moment you gain to love yourself. Love and hugs to you jan
Dear Jan thanks for your lovely words. That is exactly how I feel. It is so exhausting at times but I never thought that I could achieve what I have achieved so far and maybe it is even more worth for me as it comes at such a high price. Hugs and love x